"Vi kommer til å trenge en større båt!" :: DAY 7

[JamelUK]

Day 7 - Barfing & Bailing in Bergen

WARNING!

The following Trip Report is a rambling reflection on life and the little challenges it presents us, laid out in a Carry On Innuendo style that some have found inappropriate or offensive.

IF YOU DON’T FIND OBSERVATIONAL SATIRE FUNNY - PLEASE LOOK AWAY NOW!

For everyone else with a sense of humour, please pull up a chair & make yourself comfortable.
Consider yourself warned!

See more...

<< PREVIOUSLY = Day 6
NEXT >> = Day 8

Leaving you with a cliffhanger ending, you may remember from the previous chapter that we had unfinished business.

So let's sort that out straight away.

TUESDAY'S COIN DOZER SCORE = 2 red & 2 blue dice, 2 yellow, 1 red & 1 pink whistle, 1 blue & 1 yellow gem, 1 pink & 1 blue YoYo and 1 purple & 1 yellow bear
NO. OF COKE CANS CONSUMED ON TUESDAY = Two. That leaves 11 still in the fridge
WINE BOTTLE STATUS = In the fridge still, getting along famoulsy with the coke cans

But actually, it wasn't that exciting update I was referring to.

Read on...

Wednesday 30th June.

I wake up around 2am with an annoying tickle in my throat.

This quickly develops into quite a major coughing fit.

As Mel turns over and gives me less of a look of "Are you okay?" and more a look of "Shut Up!" I make an urgent dash to the bathroom.

Now I dont want to get too graphic here, but the pork came back up the same way it went down.

Again, not wishing to dwell on the scene, but this lasted for a good ten minutes or so, and yes there were carrot chunks.

I dont want to go on about it, but once I'd reached the inevitable ralphing stage, I gulped several pints of water which were quickly returned to sender.

Hey, I suffered - why shoudn't you?!

Finally, when I thought it was safe to do so, I chewed and sucked on the magic cure.
Uncle Joe's Minty Balls.

Having dispensed with last night's extremely poor main course I suddenly feel much better and return to bed.

However, Mel is now wide awake and complaining about the duvet cover.

It had done that sack of potatoes thing where the actual duvet is curled up in a ball and hiding in the furthest, darkest corner of the cover, leaving you with little more than a large white handkerchief to cover yourself with.

So we spend several minutes shaking and fluffing and pulling and shaking and fluffing and pulling until it is to Mel's AA 5 star standard.

Its now probably gone 3am, and I drift back off to sleep again.

Only to be rudely awaken by Mel's daily work alarm at 6:30am. I was really in the mood for that this morning.

Mine is set for 7:30am.

So for the next hour, every 10 minutes, Mel snoozes her alarm.
A few choice words were exchanged, but I cannot share them here.

Then, when my own alarm goes off at 7:30, I snooze it and silence finally descends on our cabin.
To be honest Im wrecked after my late night conversation with the toilet.

As movement in the corridor outside our cabin becomes more apparent I finally stir around 8:15ish and go and deal with the 3xS's
That previously tricky one proving to be suprisingly easy this morning.

Grabbing my wide angle lens again, I head out on my early morning stroll and to take photos.

Now I know you are no doubt expecting more staggering panoramic vistas of our next port of call.

Well here you go...


Welcome to Bergen.


You can see that the clouds have descended to devour the town and it's been throwing it down overnight.


Although it wasn't actually raining when I took these pics, everyone is wearing coats and has their umbrellas and my met knowledge tells me this isnt going anywhere until at least lunchtime.

I head back to apply more copiuous amounts of Deep Heat to Mel's back before we head to the lifts and breakfast for around 10:30am.

On our previous trip to Bergen, the ship berthed close to the pretty part of the town. You may have noticed from the earlier pics that today that is not the case.

Without really knowing how far a walk into town might be, Mel and I weigh up our options and decide to stay put for a bit.

I nip back to the cabin to grab iPhones and books whilst Mel grabs the only two remaining seats in the coffee lounge, where we wait a good 15 minutes to be served two cappacinos.

This is because the water has been boiled to a temperature beyond that of the surface of the sun.

They are also served in ENORMOUS cups. We ordered medium. If they werent so hot I swear you could have swam in them.


As the steaming hot water has killed off most of the taste I struggle to finish mine and Mel only takes a few sips from hers. She made up by having a gargantuan slice of Victoria Sponge.


I am certain that this particular Costa franchise believes it is catering for giants.

At around midday we make the decision to grab our coats and go and brave the weather, even if it is for just a breath of fresh air.

Getting off the boat it is very wet and the rain hasn't eased any. This is not a good sign as it becomes even more apparent that we are nowhere near where we docked last time and the town centre looks a long and tricky walk away.

Just as we are about to do a U-Turn and head straight back on the ship, we spot that they are running free courtesy buses.

Nobody had mentioned these as far as I can remember. I suspect if they had, the coffee lounge would have been a whole lot quieter.

It drops us in the middle of the town centre, and promises that it will stop again here later to take us back.

[JamelUK]

We have no idea where we are.

Howewver we soon stumble across this mysterious cube which looks like something out of Torchwood.


While I wonder if it is responsible for the weather, Mel checks for any signs of John Barrowman. She is convinced she could turn him.


Did I mention that Eve Myles is on my list by the way? I reckon Ive more chance with the welsh goddess than Ms Longaria. She's a bit closer to home.

In the distance I also spot that Bergen has a similar museum to that one in Amsterdam.


We follow our noses and somehow stumble across the main shopping area in the town centre.


There is a chap playing an accordian on one of the street corners.


Why is it that accordian music always sounds so depressing and tragic?
He could have been playing It's a Small World or Dance A Catchy Rhythm and yet it would still have sounded like an experimental track on a Morrisey CD.

I take a pic of this monument.


I've no idea what it is, or what it signifies, but it was in the brochure so I though it must be important.

Bergen has a lovely little funicular railway which takes you up to the top of Mount Fløyen. Knowing this to be at the base of the mountain we head that way down the high street.

Its not long before we see the Fløibanen in the distance with long queues.


These must be those poor souls who booked one of today's excursions as you would have to be mad to just turn up today and pay to stare at the thick grey cloud.

Linz and the Topps had a spectacular view.



And found one of those giants who needs a coffee.

[JamelUK]

Turning around, we spot the fish market and another ship that has knicked our parking space.


A little further along is Bryggen, the old wharf of Bergen.


This wonderful row of wooden shops & buildings dates back to the 15th century and is now a World Heritage Site


With the coffee working its way through my system I tell Mel I need to find a loo.
As I head off I leave her with my camera on full automatic.

This of course means the obligatory random shots.


Some (Mel) would say she is getting better. I remain to be convinced. Althought this one's rather good.



Have you noticed how the man crossing the road in the sign is wearing a trilby?
What are you supposed to do if you prefer to wear Bowler Hats, or can only afford a baseball cap?
Are you destined to spend the rest of your time there only exploring one half of Norway?
Or does Norway have a thriving millinery industry?

Anyway, on my own I eventually discover a Radisson Blu hotel and nip in for a much need comfort break.

It is on exiting that I discover something I believe many may miss.

Bryggen is much more than the row of shop fronts you see on all the postcards.

There is actually a wonderful network of alleyways and further wooden buildings, which are now home to lots of little craft & gift shops.



Its incredible when you consider how old all of this is.




Bryggen is Norwegian for "Diagon Alley". Honest.




Heading back to the ship we take a peek inside "Ting"



It's a sort of mix of Habitat meets quirky gift shop.

They also sell "Moose Water".


Nope. We wouldn't either.

Last time we were here we bought a small family of rubber ducks for our new bathroom.

It is here that I must share more intimate knowledge of my dear wife Melanie.

If you've read my previous Trippies you will know all about her Mint Ball adiction.

Now I must tell the world - she has a slipper fetish.

Ive lost count of how many pairs she has. It's not safe to take her shopping anywhere near George at ASDA without her picking up a new pair.
I dont know why, but she just seems to have a constant need for fresh, fluffy footwear.

No sooner in the shop and she has spotted an essential purchase.


I politely explain - "You're not having any Ducking Slippers!"

Moving on, we stumble across one of Bergen's "Traditional" Irish Bars. I never knew the Vikings were stoked on Guiness.


We catch the bus back

[JamelUK]

We are back onboard again around 2ish via the gangway on Deck 4.
Mel heads straight in the lift and to the Lido Deck, whilst I bravely decide to dump our bags back in our cabin.

That's on Deck 8. 8 flights of stairs away. I reiterate - I drank a lot of Red Bull on this trip.

Our belongings safe and secure in our cabin, I wimped out and grabbed the lift up to the Lido Deck.

No sign of Ken & Barbie yet, probably as a result of there not being any sun available to help top up their brilliantly bad fake tans.
I guess they spent the day in the Retreat Spa again, paying someone to paste more Cuprinol on them.

With Mel aleady tucking into a cheese burger, I vary my diet and grab a chicken burger then sit and chat with Bill & Christine as the drizzle really starts to set in again.

Its not long before we decide to head back to our cabin for a read in warmth after doing a bit of a tidy up and some early packing.

Through the afternoon, as we try and take a siesta, our increasingly orange Neil and his ever deminishing entertainments team make constant, desperate pleas over the PA for people to join them on the cold and soaking wet Lido Deck for this...


In the pouring rain it certainly would have been British, but we really didnt see the point in waving a soggy union jack in the middle of an industrial port, with the dock workers all standing there thinking the same thing - "We should try invading again"

At 5:30pm both our alarms go off and we agree to snooze just the once.

Mel rolls over and screams "Get off! You're hands are freezing!"

I never touched her. Its her iPhone. Some would call this justice.

After I sort out my 3xS's I head off to the laundry.

During the afternoon I had a weird dream about that bundle of wet clothes Id dried in there after Flåm. I dreamt that someone had stolen my T-Shirt out of the dryer and it had gone missing.
Checking the cabin, I couldnt find it. At the laundry, I found it waiting for me folded up on a chair. Where I had left it.
Red Bull, with a double measure of vodka. Thats all Im saying.

Arriving back at the cabin I pull the plastic "Do Not Disturb" sign from the card slot in our door.
It falls to the floor and bend to pick it up.

Then I stand up again.

WHACK! I hit the "incorrectly positioned" door handle.


Yes it did hurt.
Yes I am considering phoning one of the many phonelines and persuing P&O for thousands in damages.
And Ill get all the money owed to me, as the chap on the phone doesnt take any of that money. No siree. No, not a penny. They do it purely for love.

There wasnt any blood, but I still have a great big scratch even as I type this.

As its a sea day tomorrow as we head back to Southampton, Mel would like to use some of our remaining on board credit and treat herself to a spa treatment.

Confident now of my orientation around the ship I suggest we can catch the same lift to go up to the Spa, and then straight down to the Oriental on Deck 6.

So, decked out in our semi-formal attire again, we head to the back of the ship and up to Deck 16.

The kid's club looks so much fun, but Mel didn't look too amused. We quickly return to the lift and down to the restaurant.

We spend a few minutes outside, checking out tonight's menu. As the doors are late to open this evening we are all seated together for once.

Here is that menu.


I had melon for starters.

There is a long discussion around the table as to what "Cream Of Cullen Skunk" might be. Eventually waiter Melvin politely explains that its fish
There are a few "Errrr" and "Emmmm"s but several decide to try it and its very nice.

Yet despite its distinct fishy taste, fishy aroma and the give away signs of large chunks of white, fleshy fish at the bottom of her bowl of what was, intrinsically, "Fish Soup" Lindsay insists is tastes like Leek & Potato. I rest my case m'Lord.

I opt for the Beef in Ale main course which Im glad to report was much better than last night's pork. It was delicious and my only complaint would be that it should have been twice the size.


Mel goes for Steak tonight.


Over dessert, a very sweet soft meringue covered in guey caramel, we present keen golfer Bill with a slightly belated Father's Day gift.



Can you see the joy on his face?

[JamelUK]

We had dismissed all of tonight's entertainment offerings in favour of finally spending an evening in the Planet Bar.

However, the popular vote is somehow over ruled and so we head off to the Manhattan Bar again.

We are there REALLY early in order to get Christine a good seat.


She then promptly falls asleep.

We chat and drink while a pleasant mood CD plays in the background.

I check Horizon in detail to see what delights we have missed today.

I quickly see that our enthusiastic and prolific entertainments team have been hard at work again.


And that we have missed our exclusive chance to snap up a pretty piece of Flotsam and Jetson.


Then "Inspiration" come on. A female singer and her band.

They are awful. I doubt even the Swiss would fancy this cheeze.

Im afraid the only thing she inspires me to do is to consider throwing myself off the back of the ship.

It is social club cabaret served with a giant Jacob's Cracker. The size the Costa cafe downstairs would no doubt serve.

I swear this is a line she used.
"Let's bring it right up to date now - Im going to do something from the 80's"

As she belt's out "The Power Of Love" by Jennifer Rush, at a tempo no more than 30 Beats Per Minute for fear that anything more up beat might wake her audience up, I check out her band.

It consists of a drummer who looks like George Door's granddad, a bass player who thinks he's Eric Clapton - quite a talent with just four strings, and a piano player who is clearly thinking "I need to check my contract and fire my agent".

As a whole, Inspiration are not so much Florence and The Machine, but more like Doris and Her Toolkit.

Just before I loose the will to live I sneak off to reception to see if I can get a copy of tomorrow's Horizon. I know. Desperate Times and Desperate Measures.

On the way back I first have to negotiate the Photo Team's ridiculous setup for the evening.

They have their camera and lighting rig on one side of the walkway, and their subjects and backdrop on the other.
Effectively creating a camera shot which cuts right across one of the major thoroughfairs of the ship.
It was nuts. Two of their team are actually working a kind of traffic light system, but between them they are about as co-ordinated as Ken's shirt and pants.

Not longer after a woman reverses into me in her mobility scooter.
Those things really should have reversing sirens.
First my head and now I have a bruise on my shin.

And of course, being British, I'm the one who apologises - "Oh Im Sorry. Please forgive me if I stood in your way as you mow down anything in your path in your electric shopping trolley of death. Please, be my guest as you roll over my toes in your rush to get your Liquorice Pomfrets". Admittedly I might have said some of that in my head. Which you may remember had earlier been brutally attacked by a door handle that came out of nowhere.

Rejoining our party I find Matt is cleverly trying to rustle his empty peanut packet in a vain attempt to drown out the continual wailing of Inspiration.

I read through Horizon.

That took all of 5 minutes and Inspiration are still on. And they're still rubbish.

Mel says she would like a Woo Woo.

I know, but desperate times & desperate measures.

After she explains she means one of these...


...and after I explain very clearly to the waiter that it is for my wife and NOT for me, I am disappointed to find that, despite the appearance the pic might give, this evil combination of peach schnapps, vodka and cranberry juice is only the size of a thimble.

As increased alcohol levels are still not helping to compress the monotonous drone of Doris, Mel decides to get her iPhone out, having the forthought to bring it with her in her handbag.

No sooner has it caught the light than Linz, quick as a flash, grabs it - "Ooh! What games have you got?"

Ten minutes later, and bored of Mel's collection of puzzle games, Lindsay produces her own iPhone from her own handbag.

It feels like a large chunk of my life has disappeared, never to be recovered, and Inspiration are STILL playing.

Looking around at our group, I can see that everybody is thinking the same thing
"Who's idea was it to come in here, and whay are we still here?!"

Mel and I are in the middle of exchanging our code words for "Run for your lives! Save yourself!" when Steve Tandy eventually gets on stage.


He saved the evening. He is very good.

He is a stand up comic who does a few impressions. A little Peter Kay in style, he had us all laughing. A lot.

His best section is his mickey take at the daily Line Dancing session. And all he does is imitate EXACTLY what a group of volunteers do out in the Atrium each day.
Shuffle forward 3 steps, shuffle back 2 steps, turn and... CLAP!
Turnaround and repeat.
Shuffle forward 3 steps, shuffle back...

Its hilarous. Well we thought so. We could spot a few in the crowd who were sheepishly wondering if they should laugh at themselves or not.

He had clearly been told NOT to swear and it was obvious his act had been sliced up a bit as a result, but we think this guy has a lot of potential.

Afterwards, as Linz and Matt head off to kids club to whisk their kids into bed, I make a pit stop at the gents.

And it is there, whilst washing my hands, that I have my closest encounter with him yet.
Ken is just but a wash basin away from me.

Up close its even worse than I thought. His tan is horrific. His skin so thick I swear it would repel weaponary.
And tonight he's wearing a black shirt, with the top 3 buttons undone to display his chunky gold chain.
It's like the BBC are filming an episode of Life On Mars on board, but havent bothered telling us.

Wondering if I may be psycholigically scarred for life, we're asleep by midnight.

TODAY'S COIN DOZER SCORE = 2 red & 2 blue dice, 2 yellow, 1 red & 1 pink whistle, 1 blue & 1 yellow gem, 1 pink & 1 blue YoYo and 1 purple & 1 yellow bear
NO. OF COKE CANS CONSUMED Today = Two more! We're getting better. That leaves only 9 still in the fridge.
WINE BOTTLE STATUS = It hasnt moved from the fridge, despite hatching a devious plan with the coke cans involving underground tunnels and a piece of gym equipment that wouldn't look at all out of place on a cruise ship.

<< PREVIOUSLY = Day 6
NEXT >> = Day 8

[Guest]

Another very entertaining report!

[mossyflossy]

Aren't all those trolls sweet?

Nasty bump on the head, James.

[christybell]

Sorry to hear y9ou had a bad start to the day- I take it your off pork.

At least it ended on a high with the wonderful "Inspiration" and Lindz for company. Could it get any better

[Irishrover]

Looked a bit cauld out there today, no wonder Mels thoughts turned to slippers. I love new slippers, they are (almost) better than chocolate.

Glad you didnt let the hewying spoil your day.

Bren x

[cartoonp]

Very good report many thjanks James