Resolving Family Conflicts ?

[jdybnsn]

Any Dibber care to share how they have successfully resolved family conflicts ?

I am finding myself practically ostracised over the care of our elderly parents. To me its so sad that at a time our parents need us to pull together things are rapidly deteriorating in term of sibling relationships, The last thing our parents in their twigh-light years would wish.

Things are so bad that we barely communicate except by brief email - and this has inevitably led to further mis understanding, miscommunication and mis interpretation... and therefore further bad relations.
There is no point using our parents as mediators as they are both suffering from dementia (albeit onset).

I am continually finding myself getting accused of not doing enough in the past (which is honestly so far from the truth I can't begin, and second, I clearly can not do anything to rectify in their eyes) and at the same time interfering too much at the present, despite them not stepping up to sort out a constant array of financial, practical & medical issues my parents are facing

I live nearest my parents (though neither sisters are very far away), so I expect to be doing more than my sisters (despite running a 7 day a week business, having 2 teen kids, undergoing a major building project at home and having some minor health issues of my own) - and honestly don't see any of it as a chore, so doing stuff for my parents isn't an issue ... but the situation with my two sisters constantly giving me the cold shoulder treatment and making me feel "the baddie" is really upsetting. Especially when they seem to be bad mouthing me to our relatives to boot

All I want to do is sort this situation out, but just don't know where to start

[parisdisneyfan]

Unfortunately this seems to be par for the course if someone else is feeling guilty about what they aren't doing. Dh mum has been running him down to his sister and running his sister down to him! My brother was fine when he was with me when we were looking after Dad but as soon as he went home, his wife would start criticises me

Luckily with dh and his sister they know what their mum is like and are very close so they are ignoring it. Myself, I was like you for a few months and now (Dad died)basically I don't bother about my brother as he doesn't contact me.

I'm sure your parents know and appreciate what you do and what your sisters do, so I would just try to let it roll over you and ignore them. They are perhaps either jealous of all you manage to do, selfish because they don't want to do much or just feeling guilty for the same reason.

With my brother I felt sad for my parents as they had brought us up the same but since he met his wife he has changed. Luckily they aren't here to see that we don't keep in touch.

Good luck and try not to worry about it all, keep yourself sane xx

[WhereIBelong]

We had similar problems -with just my dad - and had to arrange a monthly meeting between the 4 of us in the end to make sure everyone knew what needed doing, when it needed doing, and who was doing what. We met at dads.

Everything got written down, all the stuff that needed doing, all expenditure, all time spent sorting things out, a rota for visiting/cleaning/doctor/chiropodist/dentist/optician/hairdresser/shopping trips was made.

Because it was all clear and documented everyone could see that everyone else WAS pulling their weight - not necessarily in the ways that others did, but things were being done - cleared a lot of misunderstandings too.
(my brother might not have been big on visiting/shopping trips, but he cleared the gutters and fixed the cistern, mowed the lawn etc...)

[shirley]

Family meeting perhaps to get everything out in the open. Did you have a decent relationship before parents declined? I would also ask, who had power of attorney etc. That would be a good thing to sort it as well. You don’t want to get into major conflict constantly so taking the bull by the horns is the best approach. Not easy but maybe they have just gotten the hump over something trivial. Good luck and don’t feel bad due to their behaviour xx

[duchy]

Pretty much par for the course.
My son and I ended up giving up our home and moving in with my Mum as she simply couldn't cope living alone and there was no way on this planet she'd have moved into any form of sheltered housing .
My brother lived an hour away although he worked 20 minuites away , and had no children. He'd rock up once a month criticise everything I was doing , it was all about telling me how I could do it better or differently. When I suggested if he didn't like how I was doing things he was welcome to visit more often and take the load off me but nooooo he was too busy (quite how busy a civil servant working as an immigration officer can be with fixed shift, no overtime and no kids is debatable)
I really think he believed he was doing "enough" so in the end would go out when he deigned to visit and when told I was doing it "wrong" just nodded ... and carried on regardless . I know he hurt my Mum with his distance as they were always close and it definitely did long term damage and once my Mum died I just didn't bother and we've drifted completely apart ... to the point I discovered I have a niece a year after she was born and have never met. There was no falling out , I just wasn't prepared to run after him . Ultimately if a sibling chooses to bury their head in the sand rather than help there's not much you can do about it except pick up their slack. Getting angry about it hurts you not them.

[Mr Tom Morrow]

OP. Not worth falling out over.
Hold your head up high, do what you think is right, cover yourself ref financial issues and ensure things like Power of Attorney etc are all sorted.
Thats the best way as I know.

My Sister never came to see our Mum for 6 months when she was gravely ill. Mind you she was busy and lived 80 miles away

Since Mums funeral I haven't spoken to my Sister apart from by E Mail maybe twice a year and thats only about monies I have recovered after Lehman Bros collapse. Oh and we send a birthday card on the respective birthdays.

[smithlane]

OP I’m sorry you are going through this, it must be heartbreaking. I have no advice as my parents are still in their 60’s but I find it so sad that this is considered ‘normal’. I can’t imagine ever not speaking to my sister or only exchanging emails but I’m also not complacent enough to think it won’t happen 😢. This did happen between my mum and uncle though when my grandma died, they now don’t speak at all! I hope you find a way to resolve this but if not you will always know you did enough as I’m sure your parents do too

[Guest]

Sadly. it happens. My sister lived nearer my mother and was a stay at home mum, so to be fair she probably did see more of my Mother. Even before she was ill though, I would travel down to see her weekly despite working four nights a week.
She had a stroke and went into Rehab, which wasn't a huge success as she was completely arthritic anyhow. DSis. took it upon herself without any consultation to arrange a nursing home in her own area which meant I had to get up at 3pm catch a train and then a bus and then walk nearly a mile to visit and then get back for work, which again I did regularly and every weekend when DH or DS were available to do the drive.
Sadly she died, DSis. then phoned me a told me to arrange and pay for the funeral, at which point I flipped and "read her her fortune". We eventually paid half each.
DSis. then took it upon herself to scatter Mothers ashes at Aysgarth Falls, a beauty spot in Yorkshire where we spent many happy hours picnicking as children, without telling me. Her husband was horrified and told me a couple of weeks later.
Have never spoken to her since, nearly 15yr ago now.
Goodness that was along post, shows how bitter I am still!

ETA
That doesn't really answer your question, I really don't know. I have no intention of repairing the damage.

[Pjamas]

From experience this seems normal. I think as long as you are happy that you are doing enough and that your parents are happy with your contributions that is all you can do. Everyone is busy and these things are tricky so tensions run high - there will never be a way of being completely fair as someone will always fee hard done by from their own perspective. I would ignore their nonsense, send an email every so often with updates and information so that they know what you are up to and things that have been done for your parents - let them say whatever they want, people will generally make their own minds up and often the person bad mouthing others doesn’t come off any better!

[daisymae]

I have 6 sibling, 4 older 2 younger. It had basically been left to my youngest brother and I to take the care of mum and I live a 100 miles round trip away, my other younger brother visits regularly. During the run up to dad's death my brother used to take time off work and take dad 80 miles away to hospital and I did all their financial arrangements and social care, doctors etc and my brothers partner did/does a huge amount of daily care. The rest of my family did and still do nothing. One brother said mum would never go into a home as it would be over his dead body (she was really frail and was struggling in her home with stairs at the time) he has visited her twice in the last 2 years and both times were at Xmas. Dad insisted my brother and I have POA for him and mum and we arranged everything and he trusted us to see mum was ok. My oldest brother who lived a street away has never visited mum since the day of dad's funeral 4 years ago, no falling out or anything he is miffed at us for having he responsibility of dad's finances (if he had been in charge mum would have nothing left) my sister goes missing (alcoholic) for weeks on end then demands that she be informed of everything about mum yet will not answer her phone to anyone. My brother and I just do what we can and never get any thanks or anything so just make the decision that are right for mum and tough if the others disagree. It's very sad but when mum goes our family will be fragmented with only my two younger brothers and I keeping in touch. It's very hard to get everybody to have equal responsibility and you can't please everyone.