Online dating dilemma - landed up speaking to two guys by accident

[Pink_Fairy_Dust]

Online dating is such a nightmare haha. I've had every bad experience from being stood up, to finding out a whole bunch of them are married, to having them be rude on dates, to ghosting etc etc

My latest problem though is I've landed up chatting seriously with two guys I find myself really liking.

It goes like this...
So I started chatting to a guy who lives maybe 15-20mins away back in July. We got on really well, exchanging long messages and we agreed we were both keen to meet but stuff kept coming up for him like he was moving house so had to pack up his old house, then there was the moving into the new house and then setting stuff up in new house etc, so by mid August we still hadn't met. Then he went silent for around two weeks and having been ghosted numerous times even when things seem to be going well I just assumed wouldn't hear from him again. Then he got in touch saying he had, had to go and look after a sick friend so we started chatting again and then he went silent for about another 2 weeks and said she had relapsed from her illness and he hadn't been in a good head space to chat. He was really apologetic so I replied fully understanding he had a lot going on and thinking we were starting chatting again. He then went silent again for 6 weeks this time and only got in touch again today to say he has been absent as she died and he has been in bits!

Now after a month passed even though I believed the friend story, all my friends were saying to move on it was just another ghosting episode and that maybe his story wasn't true or he was with someone or had met someone - either way basically you won't hear from this guy again. Their thinking was even if you were going through a lot you would still touch base with short messages. In the last 6 weeks he hasn't even logged into whatsapp leading one friend to say it was a maybe a second phone even. I mean maybe he thought his sorry message five weeks earlier was staying in touch with me but they said he would have been in touch during the 5 weeks of silence no matter what had happened as sending a 2 lines text is easy but I think what if he was genuinely just too depressed.

So last week, after 5 weeks complete silence I thought ok I am being silly putting my dating life on hold especially with all the experiences I've had. I therefore started talking to another guy and we get on equally as well, we seem to gel just like I did with the other guy, I share interests with both, they are both my type looks wise etc. Basically I started talking to another guy who I liked as well from the outset and who I've been inn contact with loads in last week and a bit. Only prob with the second guy is he lives an hour and a half away but he said he has done long distance before and I'm not averse to travelling for right person. We had agreed we would meet once lockdown lifts and I know its not for a while, but I now find myself with a problem!

The dilemma is thus - due to all of the above, as of today I find myself accidentally chatting to two guys I like who think I want to meet and who I do genuinely want to meet. I am not someone who usually talks to multiple people, I focus on one person at a time so I'm not comparing people and can just see what develops with a given person. Its bad in terms of when things don't work you have invested a lot of time but good in that I'm indecisive so would struggle to pick between people if I met and liked more than one person. So what do I do?

Guy no 1 I liked since July, we really hit it off personality wise and hes local but he did keep going silent but now I find with good explanation (friends say they still have some doubts on his story but you wouldn't make up a death). Guy no 2 I like as well and we hit it off personality wise to same extent but I haven't talked to him as long and there is distance involved!

Can I keep chatting to both? Do I need to tell them I'm chatting to someone else seriously? I feel guilty already and actually almost wish I was talking to no one I click with than two people at once! My friends same I'm being my typical worrying self and not to tell either about the other as it would probs mean both wouldn't want to chat even though I know in theory when you talk to someone online they could be talking to multiple other people!

Any thoughts? Am I being silly and a worrier...

[Guest]

Bear in mind I have never online dated and last dated someone over 16 yrs ago (my dh) I have limited experience, however I tend to agree with your friends about guy no1. There’s something fishy about him and personally think ‘everything is on his terms’ with regards to chatting to you. I think you should try to meet guy no2. when lockdown is over if he is equally keen.

I also wouldn’t worry about chatting to more than one guy and I wouldn’t tell them you are speaking to others. However if you properly start dating one, I would end all conversations with others then.

[snowbelle]

I’ve done online dating years ago and you are right it is a minefield

From your post guy no 1 is too flaky and I would find the ‘ death ‘ bit suspicious ,sorry but people do make up stories of friends etc dying as it stops you asking any more questions.
I think he’s ghosting you and keeping you on the back burner, sorry if it’s not what you want too hear he’s possibly married or at least in a relationship and may have got caught out hence the silence
I met what I though was a great guy and the lies which unravelled would shock you , he even contacted me four years after our date to ask if I was still interested 😂😂😂like I had been sitting around pining for him

Take it slow with guy 2 and you never know, I had a long distance relationship of similar distance and we made it work and have been married 14 years , we didn’t meet online but by sheer accident .
Good luck x

[Loopylooloo]

This is where speed dating is great idea, you can meet people in a safe environment, for a few minutes harmless chit chat, see if there is any common ground/chemistry etc then arrange to meet up again if you both decide to. Saves a lot of wasted time. Of course you should chat to more than one, you haven’t committed to anyone yet, its not serious stuff, and you dint actually know if either are ‘the one’ - just go with it, but stay safe.

[munmun]

Ok, I really know nothing about online dating though I do have friends and my niece who have married their on line partners.

However, I do know if I was really into someone I would find time to message them even if I was packing up my house and unpacking and definately if I was looking after someone as I would have spare time.

So my two cents on that is hes not into you and he may actually have other commitments, partner, wife etc. You are a dalliance.

No 2 man, just meet up when you can. You have not made a commitment to either of these men. Find number 3, 4and 5 if you like. You have nothing stopping you except your mind and that you feel there is more to these relationships than there actually is. You havent even met them!

[Pink_Fairy_Dust]

Originally Posted by snowbelle

I’ve done online dating years ago and you are right it is a minefield

From your post guy no 1 is too flaky and I would find the ‘ death ‘ bit suspicious ,sorry but people do make up stories of friends etc dying as it stops you asking any more questions.
I think he’s ghosting you and keeping you on the back burner, sorry if it’s not what you want too hear he’s possibly married or at least in a relationship and may have got caught out hence the silence
I met what I though was a great guy and the lies which unravelled would shock you , he even contacted me four years after our date to ask if I was still interested 😂😂😂like I had been sitting around pining for him

Take it slow with guy 2 and you never know, I had a long distance relationship of similar distance and we made it work and have been married 14 years , we didn’t meet online but by sheer accident .
Good luck x

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Gosh isn't it just a minefield! Funny you say that bit about the story stopping me talking to him about it or his silence, he did say in the message I completely don't want to talk about it, lets forget about it when we chat and I'm hardly going to act all annoyed at being ignored when a death is mentioned I agree. Congrats on the 14 years by the way :-) I have two friends who married ppl they met online so I know there a good guys out there too!

[Loopylooloo]

P.s. good for you being brave enough to put yourself’out there’ I hope you find someone lovely 😊

[Stitchesmumanddad]

Ive had a number of years of online dating. No more as Im now settled... with a wonderful guy I first started talking to online but only very briefly as we were going to the same do.

Most guys are time wasters. Ive had dead mothers, fathers, dead dogs, strokes, heart attacks, car accidents, sudden need to work, sudden need to have children for ther ex to go out, last minute holiday, suddenly remembering they are married , getting arrested, getting beaten up, just suddenly blocking, getting lost en route. Basically every single excuse under the sun to not meet after previously arranging ! I must be like the Grim Reaper - ha ha

Most people talk to multiple people. I never took it seriously and preferred to meet guys in real life

As long as you treat it for what it is ... highly unlikely to result in love etc and you never ever ever send them pics or videos that you wouldnt send to your mum, then it can while away the time and possibly lead to something. I have loads of mates with same experiences as mine ! We’d laugh about the new excuses that come up !

[aqualiv]

Keep chatting to both of it makes you happy, you aren’t committed to either as you’ve not even met them yet
I will say no 1 is a waste of your time which could be better used on a genuine guy
It takes two seconds to text someone so I never buy the too busy excuse

[munmun]

One of my friends was talking with a guy who claimed he had his wallet stolen and could she send him £500!