So I told my girlfriend

[MOUSEMARSH]

Originally Posted by buryboy

Straight from Tim Vine Facebook group 😂😂

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Straight from my mate on What's App.🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[cartoonp]

What go up but never down ?























Have I got you thinking















Well do you know

















Here the answer















YOUR AGE

[Mr Tom Morrow]

A man is going skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. The man goes up in the airplane and waits to get to the proper altitude. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic but remembers his backup chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up! As the other man gets near, the skydiver yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas cookers?"

[cartoonp]

Against his better judgment, the big game hunter is talked into taking both his wife AND her mother along on one of his expeditions.

It does not go well. The mother-in-law is, if anything, harder to get along with in the wilds than she was in the city. And to make matters worse, she won't even abide by the simple camp rules designed to keep the safari safe.

One night after dinner, the hunter's wife realizes her mother is missing. Panicked, she rushes to her husband and begs him to institute a search.

He sighs, and together they set out. But before they've gone far, they hear throaty growling. Soon they come upon a small clearing in which the mother-in-law stands, backed up against thick, seemingly impenetrable jungle brush, and facing a huge male lion.

The wife whispers urgently, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing whatever," responds her husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, now let him get himself out of it."

[captain-codeye]

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

[cartoonp]

WHO IS GOING TO CHINA ?

A friend went to in Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed. Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English...

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel
runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You
will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the
bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to
have intercourse with all new guests.

The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are
always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in
the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in
the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not
allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is
ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At
dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every
room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding
obscenity! . You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road
between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any
other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her.
She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If
asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You
will struggle to forget it."
__________________

[Stitch & Smudge]

I went in to the butchers earlier and asked “if I put a chicken in the freezer how long will it last”
The butcher said depends on the freezer but should be between 1 and 4 months.
Strange I replied. I put mine in earlier and when I went back an hour later it was dead.

[cartoonp]

My Friend got a new dog changed it name to Naked why you asked



Well know he can walk naked down the street and no one will asked questions

[Mr Tom Morrow]

A man is doing gardening work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realises that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures, mouthing "EYE KNEE - THE RAKE."

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the heck was that?"

She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"

[Mr Tom Morrow]

Two old ladies were walking in the park. The first old lady said, "I might as well die now, I've done everything and there is nothing left to live for." The second old lady said " I know something you haven't done. It's called streaking."

First old lady "Streaking? I've never heard of that." Second old lady "you go behind this bush and take off all your clothes and I'll take them across the park and when I give you the high sign, you take off and run naked through the park". First old lady "well, I've never done that before so OK."

They do that and the second old lady gets across the park and gives the high sign and the first old lady dashes out and runs through the park.

She passes two old men on a park bench. First old man: "What was that?" Second old man, "I don't know but it sure needed ironing."