I really need some advice (quite a long read)

[MK_club1987]

Right where do I start, so around 1 month ago my mom announced that she had met somebody online (shes been divorced from my dad now for 10 years), actually just to give you a bit of a background on my mom, she has worked all her life, however the divorce to my dad really did knock her around, it was a very messy divorce and she became quite depressed for a long time, she lost her job and all of her confidence, me and my brother helped her through that as much as possible and she finally got her life back on track, she got a job, but unfortunately had to give it up a few years back due to an accident, shes 62 now and does look for work but is struggling to find anything at her age.

So back to the story, she announced to me and DW around a month ago that she had met somebody online through Facebook and they had been talking for 6 months, I was initially happy for her and didn't judge as me and DW initially met through an online chat room when we were 15, 15 years ago, and have now been together for 8 years and married for 4 years, so I know meeting online can work, however the more she started to talk the more suspicious I became... She was saying that he's a doctor, (which I initially though was a good thing as at least he wont be after money, even though she doesn't have any), she said he lives in chicago but works all around the world as a doctor for the US Army and was currently based in Israel, something didn't add up for me but I didn't question as she seemed happy...

When we got home that evening, I did a search for the guy but could not find him on facebook based on the photo she showed me of him, I then remembered that I had set her up on facebook and I knew her password to log on, although I shouldn't have done this I logged on and saw his profile, immediately it became obvious that the profile was fake, there were no friends visible, no status updates, no likes, nothing in the about section and just 3 photos, I quickly did an image search (thank you Catfish), and found a twitter profile for somebody else which linked to a facebook profile for a different person using these pictures, this profile was much much more real, there were plenty of friends, daily status updates, a full bio, and even videos. I then went through the chat between this person and my mom (again I know I shouldn't have), he couldn't even speak very good english, and pretty much every message was just all lovey message not even real conversations that you would have, I could see they had spoke on the phone, but again only through Facebook messenger voice call so no phone number... Finally I came across a message where she has sent him a receipt confirming she had sent him £700.00, and worst of all the money was transferred via Western Union to none other than Ghana, I was mortified.

I was meeting up with mum the next day and DW was going away for the night so I thought I would take the opportunity to show her everything I found and confront her about why she has sent him money, and hopefully show her that he's blatently scamming her, she broke down in tears, and didn't even believe me, she called him through voice messenger, I took the phone off her and had it out with him, you could tell he had a thick African accent and certainly not an American accent, mom eventually snatched the phone off me and still ended up believing his story, we took a walk and after a while she seemed to come round, she apologised, I asked her where she managed to get the money from and she said she borrowed it from family. I said to her that there's no issue talking online with people, but just be very careful, and under any circumstances do not send money to people, I asked why she hadn't questioned why she sent the money to Ghana, and she just didn't really have an answer, at that point I think she felt stupid.

That evening I tried to contact the guy myself, and after calling him out on everything, he blocked me, I then made a fake female profile and added him, and straight away he started calling me his wife and sending flirty messages, I then said who I was and called him out again, blocked straight away yet again. I also had another look at the real persons profile and it actually showed that he lives in Turkey but was in the city we live for a conference, with photos and everyting, further proof that the other guy was lying. Not fully convinced that mum was going to leave it, I then phoned her and told her what else I had found out, at the point she said she was stupid, she will never do it again, and thanked me for helping. I felt like she had listened.

Forward the time 4 weeks to yesterday and there was an article in the Daily Mirror about a guy who was fleeced out of £1600 by his Ukranian internet girlfriend, I sent mum the link and just said to never feel stupid and it could happen to anyone, she ignored the message. I phoned her later on and asked her if she read and she just kinda brushed it off and said it was a time in her life she wanted to forget, I then asked her one final time if she still speaks to him and she promised she hadn't spoke to him since that weekend.

Something didn't sit with me, so about 11pm last night, I logged onto her facebook, and low and behold she has never stopped speaking to him, still sending each other the same messages, and yet again she has sent him another £729.99 a few days ago, he said its so he can pay for his ship to come over, he has also said that he has contacted a UN Agency to help get him over here and she needs to send a copy of her passport which she has done, the UN Agency e-mail address ends in yahoo.com, I mean she is just being stupid now.

I came away feeling angry this time and not feeling sorry for her, I cannot believe she has been so stupid after everything I have done for her to try and make her see this guy is a fraud, she has lied to me, and she still is lying to me. I help her pay for her mobile bill and I pay for her broadband at home because she struggles for money, so I am quite angry about this.

I have no clue how to approach it this time, I haven't told DW because I know she will end up wanting to cut ties with her and obviously I don't want to do that as she is fragile deep down, but why is she being so stupid? I know it's a longshot but has anyone at all been in a similar situation, and any advice on how to approach this with mum as I need to make her see sense somehow, she has to be careful in regards to identify fraud as well sending copies of all these documents.

I promised last time I would not tell my brother and sister in law as they would not be as understanding as me, but I am struggling to understand now why she is still doing it.

I am very sorry for the long post, thank you for taking the time to read it.

[Slinky Malinki]

I think she's lonely and desperate and when you're like that you can't see the wood for the trees. I've no idea how you get her to take the blinkers off and it would be driving me crackers as well that she couldn't see it. How about reporting the profile to facebook or telling the police? Not sure if they'd be interested.

[Mr Tom Morrow]

Mmm, such a difficult one. You have tried and failed to get her to see it for what it is.
I note you are paying her Broadband bill. Sounds harsh but I would cut it off or even as an act of desperation cut the cable.

How about contacting the local PCSO, make an appointment to see him/her and go through the situation. Then go around to hers together. Worth a shot.
You have my sympathy.

[lemon-squeeze]

It makes me so cross how these people target lonely and vulnerable people, an yes it can happen to anyone at any age. I don't have any experience of what you are both going through. But my guess is that you Mum is extremely lonely.

I sorry I don't have any advice, but I'm thinking that you are going to have to talk to her again but have some solutions as to how to meet people locally.

[mrmoo123]

I am sorry to hear this, it must be terrible for you.

My advice would be to involve the police. If you can't make her see how serious this is then maybe they can. Sending them a copy of her passport... goodness, the likelihood is that now they can completely defraud her by using her identity. You need to report this ASAP.

[duchy]

I don't think you can do anything except keep the lines of communication open so she has someone she can turn to when it all goes wrong.
She's a grown up , you've given her the facts as you see them , she is the only one who can decide. Just like if you were in an unwise relationship you wouldn't let your Mother tell you what to do either.

If you made a promise not to tell your brother then if you do you can pretty much guarantee it'll damage your relationship with her , just like if you'd told her something personal and asked her not to share it with your brother ... and she did, you'd feel betrayed too. How could you tell her you know without admitting you snooped. Most people's first reaction would be to change their passwords and then you'll have no clue what is going on.

Does she have friends she sees and talks to or has this come about through loneliness ? Could you and your brother see her more often and include her more , help her get involved in more activities locally etc ?

[wanye]

sorry, cant really suggest much, other than having a read on the 419eater forums and maybe asking for advice there?

forum.419eater/forum/

hth

*edit*
their links page may be useful too?

419eater/html/links.htm

*edit2*
this may be useful to report it: actionfraud.police.uk/fraud-az-419

[MK_club1987]

Originally Posted by Slinky Malinki

I think she's lonely and desperate and when you're like that you can't see the wood for the trees. I've no idea how you get her to take the blinkers off and it would be driving me crackers as well that she couldn't see it. How about reporting the profile to facebook or telling the police? Not sure if they'd be interested.

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Yeah I know she's lonely, I would love her to meet someone, it's because she's lonely that I try and include her as much as possible, we see her every week, I am always asking her to come out, I take her to the cinema, we have taken her on holiday, and so has my brother and sister in law, but I almost feel like everything that we have tried to do for her is a slap in the face now.

It's the money side of things I can't understand, first time yes I could understand its an easy trap to fall into especially when your not internet savvy, but to do it again after everything I have told her and shown her from the first time, I just can't wrap my head around it.

I got no sleep last night, and now I'm at work (although dibbing!) and just can't concentrate, I keep thinking should I just have it out with her and tell her what I know, or should I just keep quiet for a few more days and keep an eye on her facebook, not that it will do any good as I already have seen everything I need to see.

I could try and contact facebook I guess, but still not sure if that will stop them using messenger, as they use that and skype voice call rather than actual facebook.

I think I just need to bite the bullet and speak to her, but I am not sure if I am gonna be able to trust what she tells me in future, if she says she's not speaking to him in future how can I believe her?

What a mess this is...

[Guest]

Oh blimey. I dont even know where to start! I don’t envy you as I know my mum would be stubborn too if she did something like this.
I think you should tell your brother and you should also threaten this guy with the police if he doesn’t leave your Mum alone.
Is your mum very Facebook savvy? If she’s not can you block him from her account so he can’t contact her and just keep an eye and do the same if he makes other profiles to contact her?
Loneliness makes you do strange things !

[Slinky Malinki]

Originally Posted by MK_club1987

Yeah I know she's lonely, I would love her to meet someone, it's because she's lonely that I try and include her as much as possible, we see her every week, I am always asking her to come out, I take her to the cinema, we have taken her on holiday, and so has my brother and sister in law, but I almost feel like everything that we have tried to do for her is a slap in the face now.

It's the money side of things I can't understand, first time yes I could understand its an easy trap to fall into especially when your not internet savvy, but to do it again after everything I have told her and shown her from the first time, I just can't wrap my head around it.

I got no sleep last night, and now I'm at work (although dibbing!) and just can't concentrate, I keep thinking should I just have it out with her and tell her what I know, or should I just keep quiet for a few more days and keep an eye on her facebook, not that it will do any good as I already have seen everything I need to see.

I could try and contact facebook I guess, but still not sure if that will stop them using messenger, as they use that and skype voice call rather than actual facebook.

I think I just need to bite the bullet and speak to her, but I am not sure if I am gonna be able to trust what she tells me in future, if she says she's not speaking to him in future how can I believe her?

What a mess this is...

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This has some useful info socialcatfish/blog/what-...by-step-guide/