Caring for elderly relatives-

[Guest]

Originally Posted by chrisxal

When MIL was getting to the stage where she needed help her own daughter stayed away it fell on my DH, he would work full time and then have nearly 2 hour drive over to see her and get shopping etc, his sister probably only came down to see her mother about twice in MIL's last year, however she had control of finances and MIL never would write a will I still believe SIL took everything.

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Well she cannot legally take everything unless it was left to her in the will. And if no will it goes intestate which means divided equally amongst children if no spouse.

[Ds4ljs]

Sadly, it has certainly been that way in our family. It’s exhausting but I know having lost my Gramps and DHs mum and dad, we cared for all of them, I can look back and know we did our best. Sadly when people pass away, those that did nothing, want everything.

[Guest]

Originally Posted by Ds4ljs

those that did nothing, want everything.

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You are not wrong. There was no care required for my parents as they passed suddenly. But there was things to deal with of course. Two of my sisters sat there and did not do a thing to help. I was having trouble with closing the BT account at one point and even then, despite one sister being married to somebody that worked for BT she still would not help. But when I finally got everything liquidated, I got two very quick emails asking for a cheque by return.

A bit later I got email from my 18 year old niece asking for some school text books of my mothers. I said I would like to keep them as my mother and I had a mutual love of history and had looked at her books when I was a little girl, but that I would leave them to her in my will. I got a stroppy email back about her wanting to “know more about her grandparents” (which I believe my sister had written not her). I restrained myself from the reply that they had been alive up until 18 months ago and she had met them three times in her whole life so what a shame this interest had come so late.

[Guest]

Yes, I'm the one in our family looking after my Dad, with the support of my wonderful DH. I do it because I care about him and because I want to and don't have any expectations that anyone else will do anything. I'm just sad to see him hurt when my sister shows how little she cares.

[JLH]

Originally Posted by Bridgetx

Oh interesting. I do get that you are thinking of practicalities. But if you think of it from another perspective, you could be suggesting that burden of care should fall to those that are maybe unlucky in love or perhaps infertile. That would not seem very fair to me, it is entirely possible these people still have a full and busy life can you believe.

I do agree with OP that it seems like care does always fall to one person though, seen it time and time again. It also seems like it falls to daughters more than sons and normally to the unmarried adult children.

To OPs if you did decide this is something you want to bring up with your sister, which certainly seems reasonable, could I just suggest that you don’t bring the lack of her own family into it. That could be very hurtful.

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My sister does have children but they are older and have their own families now so it’s just her and OH. Thanks for all your replies , it is hard and it has caused friction . I have another sister who lives in America who has already broached the subject of could more be done but it didn’t go down to well . My sister in America (as she can’t be here ) is going to pay for a carer an hour every morning but at £25 a time is it too expensive to have for longer . I guess things won’t change she has always been a little selfish .

[Mr Tom Morrow]

I did everything for my Mum and also was the person she leant on after my dad died in 1988.

My Sister lives in London but of course it was too far for her to come down and help out. Even when Mum was in Hospital for 6 weeks and I told her the end was in sight she had other things to deal with.

She did make the effort 5 days before Mum died and then moaned about the only job I wanted her to do which was register the death and I would do the rest.

But my Mum always viewed said Sister as the 'Golden Child' who could do no wrong and had achieved so much in her working life.

[princess allie]

It does always seem to fall to one person. I am in a similar situation. Both my brothers live in the same small town, but one only visits about once a month and the other for two short visits a week. I am there in the morning, during my lunch break and in the evening. If I don't do it, Mum will have to go into a home and I know she doesn't want to. Incidentally, I have a 10 year old to look after, both my brothers have no children at home, but still it falls to me. It's a shame they don't do more, but I feel happy that I can take care of my Mum and I have no regrets, as I am sure is the same for you OP.

[Mr Tom Morrow]

Originally Posted by princess allie

It does always seem to fall to one person. I am in a similar situation. Both my brothers live in the same small town, but one only visits about once a month and the other for two short visits a week. I am there in the morning, during my lunch break and in the evening. If I don't do it, Mum will have to go into a home and I know she doesn't want to. Incidentally, I have a 10 year old to look after, both my brothers have no children at home, but still it falls to me. It's a shame they don't do more, but I feel happy that I can take care of my Mum and I have no regrets, as I am sure is the same for you OP.

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Alison. Please take some advice from an old dog. Be careful you don't doo much and affect your health. It nearly broke me with Mum the last 6 months with no support from anybody apart from my Wife who was outstanding putting up with the tantrums and anger (from Mum not me!). The only way I got through it was paying for private carers and Sauvignon Blanc!

Your health comes first.

[Gryff]

When dad died my sister and I became her carers I worked 3x12 hour shifts a week my sister didn't work but I did 2full days got mum up 5days a week and to bed 5nights we did it for 5 months then mum took the decision to stop taking her medication not to eat she didn't want to face Christmas without Dad we respected her decision but my brother who lives 400 miles away couldn't understand how I as a nurse wouldn't force her until he visited the last week of her life ( he and silk were up 1 weekend a month to give us a break ) and she told him straight
MIL who gated me I looked after her on my own for 4 months still she died the wonderful DIL never gave a jot
All of this was in a space of 10 months and all wile our son was fighting a vicious battle for custody of our GD
We were all so burned out it took months to recover

[hutton5]

As much as it's hard and unfair at least you know you done all you could and will never have anything on your mind like regrets if and when anything should happen.