Helping a child through grief - advice please

[Alllovedisney]

Hi all

Any advice would be appreciated.

We have four DD, currently agreed 13, 12, 8 and 7. On Xmas day, we received the devastating news on an (unofficial) school year group what’s app group that a child in had died very suddenly and unexpectedly on Xmas eve. She was 11.

The little girl was in Primary school with our second eldest - from nursery until they all left last July. It’s a one form entry and there were only 26 in the class so as you can imagine as a whole they were quite a tight knit bunch. In saying that, given the geography of where we live, and that we are fortunate to have many good senior schools around, the children historically leave the primary school and go to about 7 or 8 different senior schools. So they do on the whole have to find their own way in big school other than a couple or 3 friendly faces from their primary class.

As I said we got the news on Xmas day and it totally floored us. We told our DD that day, which was a really difficult decision but she’d seen me receive the message and knew from my face there was something seriously wrong so we felt we should be honest. She was shocked as you can imagine.

The funeral isn’t until next week. Given current restrictions, we will not be able to attend the funeral, but will have access to the live link and as we are not far at all, we will exercise by walking that way and stand on the road near the cemetery gates to pay our respect as they go past. I have asked DD and she does want to do that. She has only really experienced death of a great grandparent before, but she was only 3 at the time.

However, this DD is a closed book. More so in the last 18 moths (her age and i think pandemic hasn’t helped). When she started senior school in September she had some separation anxiety issues which totally blindsided us (she has always seemed so confident - always the one to want to do hobbies that none of her sisters did and more than happy to make friends) and which actually caused us to involve the use of a counsellor. The counsellor didn’t meet with DD but have us coping strategies for her which worked.

I’m now wondering whether i should seek professional help for her again. She has shown no real outward grief (when my grandparents died when i was 14/15 I did not cry in front of anyone. I was scared to make other people feel sad, i think and this i think caused me issues as i got older) although she’s wrote a beautiful letter to the girl’s parents and made a lovely “gift” for the girl.

Given the lockdown and fact that the school she is at, there are only 3 others from primary, she has no way to speak to her friends (they have phones but other than us parents actively encouraging them to check on each other over the Xmas period, nothing as been said) I’m worried that she may be holding it in and that it will become unhealthy. We have tried speaking with her but she says she is fine and talks about other things.

I’m tempted to get back in touch with the counsellor but iI don’t want to over egg the situation. The little girl who passed away was a understated and kind girl who was friends with everyone. She wasn’t particularly closer to my DD than anyone else; they had party invites and did school extra curricular dance together along with a few others. We aren’t sociable with the parents (although actually both her parents and us keep ourselves to ourselves anyway) but I have been in touch with them and supported the mum for a few hours last week (their DD was an only child so between us other parents we are trying to ensure we support however and wherever they need). So I don’t want to “force” the grief - but her grief seems so at odds with what we feel as parents, I equally don’t want anything to be stored up unhealthily for the future.

Does anyone have any experience of grief counselling for children? Can it be a useful tool? Does it help even if there doesn’t appear to be an issue?

Thank you.

[munmun]

CRUISE the bereavement charity have specially trained counsellors for children and support many children through their grief which of course can manifest in many ways.

I'm sorry I dont know how they are dealing with this through lockdown as I stopped volunteering with them a year or so ago but I'm sure if you google your local office they will have a phone referral line and will be able to talk you through the process.

Hope this helps and you get the help for your daughter that she deserves.

[Hels80]

Winston’s wish have some great resources.
Such a sad situation.

[duchy]

Sounds like a very similar situation to my son’s primary with the very close knit class and then them scattering over quite a few different schools . Whereas friendship groups changed , the kids all kept in loose touch and actually chose themselves to have a class reunion before they all went off to uni .
She may have not yet fully processed it yet especially as the kids aren’t seeing each other or are in regular touch so it might be too early for counselling but getting some advice from one of the bereavement charities may be helpful (for you as well as her , it’s tough for us as parents to process the unthinkable too)

[Lisa-72]

Can I just say from being a child who’s best friend was killed in front of me in an RTC back in the 1980s where there was no help available, your child may think they don’t need help but from my own personal experience they will.
I’ve never got over her death.

[Lou1982]

I work for a children’s charity and the nature of the work means we often have to source grief counselling for children and parents.

You know your daughter best. Let her know if she wants to talk about what has happened your are there for her and she can have a chat with you anytime. Otherwise I wouldn’t overly press the issue with her. Children’s’ responses to death and their grieving process can often look very different to how you might expect, but she is probably processing it in her own way.

Unless you feel she is really holding back I would leave things for now, I’m sure she’ll come to you about it if/when she is ready and/or feels the need to x

[marypoppins38]

What an incredibly sad situation. I think I would be led by her. Kids are very resilient. If she says she is ok then I think I would accept that but keep a close eye on her with lots of love and letting her know that it is ok to talk to you and let her feelings out. I am finding it hard to phrase what I want to say without upsetting anyone or coming across harsh or uncaring but I think I would let her process it herself under a watchful eye to let her develop her own resilience and way of dealing with things. Child bereavement counseling is a wonderful tool but if it were me I would be waryof immediately jumping with it rather than trying to let her develop her own skills in dealing with things.
I am wary that this is a very emotive subject and don’t want to upset anyone, we all of us know our own kids and their personalities, it’s simply my opinion of how I would deal with it firstly. My heart goes out to you all x

[Evil queen]

I think I would agree with some of the other posters and be led by her for now. Kids really do process loss quite differently to us and don’t necessarily react in the ways we might expect.
My sister passed away on Christmas morning. We are a very close family- she didn’t have a partner or children of her own but was a very proud Auntie of my children. I have a daughter 16 and a son 14. They are both handling it very differently and neither really want to talk about it. I’ve explained they can talk to me whenever they want and shouldn’t worry that it will make me upset. That crying is ok and if I cry then that’s not a bad thing. They just don’t talk about it. I know that they have told their friends and that they have support there if they need it but I think they are just much more pragmatic about it. I think if she is telling you she is ok and her behaviour isn’t telling you different I would just keep an eye on her. I understand why you are worried, I feel similarly sometimes but I think part of growing is learning how to deal with things in your own way.

[Floridatilly]

One of my sons best mates died last year, aged 14. My husband had coached him since he was 6. It was devastating, still is.
It hit us all hard especially our son who went really quiet. We would find him sat on his bed, no phone or anything, just sat there. Due to lockdown it was hard because we was stuck at home if that makes sense.
The whole rugby team organised a balloon release event, this was organised brilliantly and we all kept our distance. Planning the messages on our balloons helped him.
For the funeral we was not allowed in as it was lockdown but all the boys in the team put their shirts & ties on and made a line of honour for Josh, clapping as the coffin went by. There was not a dry eye anywhere.
Sorry I am waffling now, I don’t have any true advice as such. But they will get through it. We tried to talk to our son as much as possible and tried to not let him spend too much time alone.

[Dolphin3094]

Please check out Winston's Wish and The Laura Centre both have resources and support lines. Be led by your child, don't force anything on them but reassure them you are there. They may be coping using the methods from before, they may still be processing it all or they may be holding it together until after the funeral. Sending big hugs.x