sorry in advance

[cdavenport]

As others have said, make sure you sort finances etc, take things in your time. He shouldn’t get to decide the speed things move at.
One thing no one else has mentioned, does her husband know, if he doesn’t then I’m sorry but he would soon, why does she get to carry on with her life and family when between her and your husband they’ve just turned yours upside down.
Stay strong and do what’s right for you and only you. Xx

[duchy]

Originally Posted by sparklegirl

This is really good advice, I do remember when I found out my now ex husband had been cheating. The most insightful thing anyone has ever said to me was ‘ if you were to meet this person right now and this was what you knew of him would he be a friend never mind a partner and husband’ my mum was indeed wise. She also said that even if I took him back, and it would have been my decision, what I had doesn’t exist because my knowledge had changed and that would forever change my, and potentially ours with him, future. Everything moving forward was with that knowledge and that’s why my future wasn’t as it was thought but altered and if I could live with that then it would be fine. My goodness it was incredibly thought provoking.

Follow the advice here, if he is sorry and comes back then you must remember you don’t have to take him. You must be content and you are as important in the relationship not less! He doesn’t get the final say the two people involved do. Please take time, I found that buying new bedding was a small step I found empowering. It was so small and so simple but it was mine and gave me a clear head. Stupid yes but it worked as it wasn’t joint and i didn’t have memories of that with my now ex.

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Thank you, it’s the advice I wish someone had given me at the time !
As for if he wants to come back , ultimately as I tried to explain to my husband at the time , it wasn’t about not still loving him , it was I’d lost respect for him and you can’t maintain a marriage without mutual respect as well as love. I knew some women do get past this but for me he was no longer the honourable, kind man I had married and for me there was no going back. We are all different though.

[Disney Dreaming]

So sorry for what you are going through, i know it doesn't seem like it now but it will get better. It is like a grief process some days will be better than others, i needed to make sure that me and the kids were secure and we are getting there. it has been 4 months for me and i am having more and more good day's.

[duchy]

I’m not sure it matters if the other woman’s husband knowing is important really , details like if the other woman has already sorted out her own domestic arrangements aren’t really relevant.
It’s the OP that matters .
As for fair ... these situations rarely are when one partner ups and leaves leaving the other to deal with the fallout both for themselves and the children. Life just isn’t sometimes and it’s a waste of precious energy dwelling on that.

Originally Posted by cdavenport

As others have said, make sure you sort finances etc, take things in your time. He shouldn’t get to decide the speed things move at.
One thing no one else has mentioned, does her husband know, if he doesn’t then I’m sorry but he would soon, why does she get to carry on with her life and family when between her and your husband they’ve just turned yours upside down.
Stay strong and do what’s right for you and only you. Xx

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[Leia77]

OP - so sorry you’re being put through this. As mentioned previously, you have been given great advice on here and there’s not much to add.

FWIW, in my view it will do you no good to deal in “what ifs” re what might happen with your relationship with your husband in the future. That will only distract from what you need to do now, which is look after yourself financially and ensure you and your kids are ok and getting the support you all need.

Again, so sorry you’re going through this x

[catherinesian]

Has he actually met the other lady for 30 years?! Seems strange how he is claiming to love someone he hasn't seen for that long?! Or have I misunderstood the post?

This thread did strike a chord with me, as last year my dad did similar to his long term partner (together 18 years, his & my mum's separation was 19 years ago). They weren't married. He got back with his first fiancée pre my mum - which not only hurt his partner but also my mum. He had got back into contact with her a few months prior - nobody knows how or why as he won't tell anyone the truth. She remains with her husband 18 months later and I constantly worry it will all end in disaster to be honest.

I agree with other posters, the first thing to do is make sure your finances are all sorted so that whatever happens you have your ducks in a row and know what your rights are.

[levtweeney]

Sorry but he sounds like a total and utter tool. What a moron to throw away 30 years over some fantasy he has in his head. Give him a gigantic kick in the you know whats when you next see him. If it were me, his clothes would be in the street and I would be telling his family, his friends and anyone else who would listen. Shame that t#*&.

[Michyloulou]

Originally Posted by littlelish0544

Its horrible how someone you have known for so long can seem to turn into a totally different person over night and disregard you and your needs so cruelly. Deep breaths, take everything one daybat a time and do not listen/be worried by anything he says. Take it all with a pinch of salt untill you hear facts from proffessionals/CAB etc. My ex was very much like that...barking orders and demands and telling me what i gad to do... nope... he lost the right to ask anything of me the second he left. You put yourself and children first. I wish I could say it will be straight forward for you... its a bit like having a baby, different experience for everyone but we all know its painful at somepoint. But you will be ok in the end xxxxxxx

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Littlelish, your ex sounds exactly like my sister’s ex. He had an affair, moved out & when my sister started divorce proceedings, he started making all sorts of unreasonable demands, like demanding she got herself a better paid job (he was about to get a £100k lump sum from his retirement but didn’t want her getting a single penny!). In the end my sister’s solicitor wrote to his suggesting that they may want to remind their client that (financially) a divorce is about getting a fair settlement from what is there, not about making demands of this kind. In fact, he strung things out so far that my sister was advised she had nothing to lose by asking for it to go to court (of course, if this had happened they both would’ve lost at least £20k in charges) but the point being made by her solicitor was that her ex continued time after time to offer nothing at all, so there was no other way for her to “gain“ anything. On paper it should’ve been a straighforward divorce taking a couple of months, and her solicitor could not believe how he acted, stringing it out for so long. As soon as my sisters solicitor sent a letter giving an ultimatum of a settlement, or we proceed to court, lo and behold he grudgingly agreed to a settlement!

[Zarina]

Some good advice from others re bank accounts/CAB/solicitors etc. In the meantime, take a deep breath and know that we are all sending you hugs x

[loulou76]

Have so much empathy for you and feel devestated on your behalf. You will go through so many emotions -hurt , angry, lost , wanting revenge etc...may I suggest you ensure her husband is aware of the situation? Because it really just be awful for him too ...he needs to know! And this may also help your feelings a little
Take care. Thinking of you xx