So I told my girlfriend

[cartoonp]

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'...!

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar ...

'HE LIVES IN A HOME, WITH MY NON-STOP CHATTING AND NAGGING WIFE, HE'S TRYING TO CATCH UP ON HIS SLEEP .. CAN I COME WITH HIM TOMORROW ... ? '
😜😝

[cartoonp]

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out."
He carefully got himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared in to the blankets.
After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big smile on his face.
"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," said the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy
"you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."

[Mr Tom Morrow]

I haven't been feeling well lately so I went to see my Doctor.

I said keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam.
It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

[colin39]

Ill just leave this here 🤣😂🤣😂

[cartoonp]

A pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only 10 minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for two hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation has to mob him to get him down from the pulpit, and they ask him what happened.
The pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn’t talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, by mistake he put his wife’s teeth in and couldn’t stop talking.

[Mr Tom Morrow]

Two men get stranded in the desert. After days of walking, they come across a market.
‘Please, we need water’ says the first man.

‘I’m sorry’ says the market stall owner ‘I can only sell you custard, jam or ice cream’.

Disappointed, they walk on. ‘That was strange’ says the second man.

‘Yes.’ says the first man. ‘It was a trifle bazaar’

[cartoonp]

A man sticks his head into a barber shop and asks: “How long before I can get a haircut?”

“About 2 hours,” the barber replies and the man leaves.

A few days later the same man sticks his head in the door and asks: “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says: “About 3 hours.” The man leaves again.


A week later the same man sticks his head in the shop and asks: “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looks around the shop and says: “About an hour and a half.” The man leaves.

The barber, who is intrigued by this point, looks over at a friend in the shop and says: “Hey, follow that guy and see where he goes.”

A little while later, the friend comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
“Where did he go when he left here?” he asks.

The friend looks up, tears in his eyes and says: “Your house!”

[cartoonp]

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road.

Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd, 'If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?'

The shepherd looks at
the young man, then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies, 'Okay.'

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot
tables.

He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech
mini-printer, turns to the shepherd and says, ‘'You have exactly 1,586 sheep.'.

The shepherd cheers,
"That's correct, you can have your choicest sheep from the herd".

'The young man takes one of the animals which he likes most and cute from the flock and puts it in the back of his Porsche.

The shepherd looks at him and asks, 'If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?'

The young man laughed and answers, 'Yes, why not?'

The shepherd says, 'You are an auditor.'

'How did you know?' asks the young man.

'Very simple,' answers the shepherd.

1. First, you came here without being wanted.

2.Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew.

3.Third, you don't understand anything about my business... !

Now may I please have my DOG back? "

[Mr Tom Morrow]

Last night I asked my Wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy role play fun.

Later on I walked into the bedroom and I was shocked at the sight and said ''Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character''.

She then shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

[Nimbus]

In case I haven't said it before, thank you cartoonp, Mr TM, and others for all the jokes posted in this thread. I like a good chuckle each day.

Keep up the good work.