So I told my girlfriend

[cartoonp]

I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone

[cartoonp]

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively
mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God! ?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

[cartoonp]

Mick is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.
Mick says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"
Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"
CLICK,BANG
Mick "OK, done that, what next?

[cartoonp]

Two students were arguing when their teacher entered the classroom. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?” One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.” "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

[cartoonp]

When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.

[Mr Tom Morrow]

Researchers for the Swansea Council found over 200 dead crows near the M4 recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

An Ornithological Behaviorist was called to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Lorry."

[cartoonp]

Husband wanted to call the hospital
to ask about his pregnant wife,
but accidently called the cricket stadium.

He asks, “How’s the situation?”

He was shocked and nearly died on hearing the reply.

They said, “It’s fine. 3 are out,
hope to get another 7 out by lunch,
last one was a duck!”

[cartoonp]

Q: What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
A: Plane Chocolate

[mickeyspal]

Man goes into a chemist and asks if they have viagra
Yes we do
Can I get it over the counter
Yes if you take 2

[cartoonp]

I’ve really had it with my dog: he’ll chase anyone on a bicycle.”
“So what are you going to do – leave him at the dog’s home? Give him away? Sell him?”
“No, nothing that drastic. I think I’ll just confiscate his bike.”