Advice please- Homophobia

[disney_l81]

My lovely daughter came out to me and her dad about a year or so ago, we are proud of her, the young lady sue has become and 100% support her.

Last night she had a fall out with her gran- my MIL who is in her 80s. When I probed as to why she was upset- she was sobbing- she told me that the subject of being gay had come up in conversation with MIL being disrespectful about gay people saying they were "disgusting" and saying to daughter " oh your not one of THEM are you". And "you are disgusting"

This is the first time that daughter has had anyone directly be like this to her and I think its hurt her more because it's her Gran who she loves.

I was busy whilst they were in the phone- hubby spoke to his mum and when I spoke with hubby last night about what had happened he said oh that's why mum was in a foul mood when I spoke to her.

Daughter got up this morning and asked who had called late last night- I'm hard of hearing so didn't hear it- but it was MIL so I hope she was calling to apologise at how she made her granddaughter feel but I suspect not as she is set in her ways. I'm expecting a horrid letter to land on our doorstep as in the past when we have had a difference of opinion this is what she has done.

My daughter handled things really well on the phone, telling her Gran that she was making her feel uncomfortable and could they change the subject.

Anyone experience the same or could offer words of advice?

[Blue nose]

No words of advice and I'm so sorry you are all having to deal with this and in particular your DD.

I'm sure someone will be along shortly with advice but I wanted to send big hugs 💙

[YorkshireT]

Absolutely appalling, sorry to hear this.

[marypoppins38]

Oh that is so horrible, your poor daughter! I don’t mean to be disrespectful but your mil sounds like a nasty old lady and if she sent a nasty letter to my daughter she would be having it handed back with strict instructions never to contact us again! Age and bring set in her ways us no excuse for homophobic and hurtful behavior, especially to her own grandchild. Sending a big hug to your daughter, she must be heartbroken.

[munmun]

This is really terrible for your daughter, lots of support needed for her. I hope she feels better today.

Perhaps a gentle conversation with your daughter saying how you fully support her but there are people of other generations who simply dont understand and probably never will.

If she has phrases I her mind if her gran says something like ' i am not discussing this with you' and is ready to put the phone down or walk away she can protect herself from further abuse.

Lots of thoughts and support to you daughter you are a great mum and dad.

[cornishfrogboy]

In the Hospital where I work, there is occasional racism and homophobia directed at medical staff by generally more elderly patients.

Whilst it is unfortunate, it is pointless trying to debate with or change the viewpoint of these people who are set in their ways, frequently in physical and mental decline in any case and simply ‘ain’t. Gonna change’.

Being professional people, the staff generally tolerate it, whilst not being in any way comfortable.

I never regarded my Mum racist (she passed away last Feb). Around 8 years ago, she was admitted to Hospital and on return home, I asked how it went.

“It was OK, I had a black Nurse, but she was still alright”. This was the reply from a former SRN.

My answer “Let us hope that she wasn’t a Lesbian as well, then”.

Education was pointless, I discussed it later with the Nurse concerned and she simply replied that in her opinion, the Cornwall elderly were not yet ready for Female Doctors and Consultants, yet alone anybody ethnically or sexually diverse.

One hopes that many of these casual bigots, whilst never learning, will soon be gone into the dark mists of time. The world and hopefully acceptance of all diversities is a good thing. Those who cannot/will not adapt will soon find themselves ostracised... or in the main, underground as the years pass.

With a relative, things are obviously far more difficult, but education may still not be an option.

My thoughts are with your Daughter.

[Tinks2014]

It’s really good that she has parents that support and let’s her be herself . Unfortunately this is very common reaction in this age group. They really do not get it at all or even want to try to understand.
Could your husband have a talk with them and let them know that it’s unacceptable for them to be that way these days and is being homophobic is against the law ?
I don’t have the best advice but they will lose out on a wonderful granddaughter with their outdated views.

[levtweeney]

Yes I agree with others, an awful thing to have happened. Often people will excuse awful behaviours as "Oh well their old" or "Their set in their ways" This does not remove the hurt they spread with their often throw away comments.

I do not hold with the never speaking to the person again but if a letter is often how she communicates with you then possibly a letter back explaining the situation and how hurt all your families feelings are would be best. You can still be educated in your 80's on what is acceptable behaviour. She may not change her mind but she may shut her gob around your family.

[toots82]

I'm sorry I don't have any advice but did want to send love to your DD.

[Tinkerbell]

Just to reiterate what others have said. Sadly there are both elderly and young ignorant, bigoted people, who won't change their narrow minded opinions how ever much they are educated. To hear such statements from a relative and one as close as a grandmother must be awful. My own mother, now dead, had a mouth that engaged before brain because she thought it made her clever it didn't it just made her look stupid.

No wise words but best wishes to your daughter