Aspergers & discipline

[ali-s]

Hoping some of you with experience of aspergers/ autism will have some ideas on how I can keep my 9yr old in line ! These Easter holidays have seen more annoying behaviour than ever before, he constantly chases/teases the cats,& the squabbling between him & his brother ( 7 ) is beyond a joke. The 7yr old used to be the peacemaker, but has now hit that annoying age when it's more fun to wind people up ( lots of back chat & cheekiness ) unfortunately as DS9 is fairly immature, he seems to have just reached that stage himself Anyway, they will start a squabble over the slightest thing, but DS9 will over react BIG time - using fists, feet, throwing things at his brother, swearing etc & I'm worried that he will really hurt his brother soon ( he ONLY hits his brother- has never hit anyone else ). I've tried to tell DS7 not to tease/retaliate, but it's rather unfair to expect him not to react when often the attacks are unprovoked- DS9 has no understanding of 'jokey 'remarks, & will often take offence at something quite innocent !
I've tried star charts ( useless ) money charts ( money is added to or taken from his money box according to behaviour )this only works when he has something he is saving for ( it will work closer to WDW ), confiscating various objects - not bothered, there used to be a tv programme he was obssessed about & threatening to ban that worked well- but there is nothing he's interested in at the moment, & of course, banning an interest has a backfire effect - instead of quietly amusing himself with his obssession, he finds a more disruptive way to entertain himself . I've tried explaining that he is growing up & grown ups are told off / arrested by the police if they hit people, so he must learn to stop doing it - he doesn't quite believe this, but the idea definitely bothers him - not enough to stop his hitting,
any ideas ? what works with your kids ?

[Guest]

not sure if i can help except to say this is a great website for kids with learning difficulties (my ds11 is autistic ) it has some very good emotion and expression games and if nothing else may occupy him for a while
do2learn/

[BarryandCaron]

Hi Ali

DS2 went through this stage at school a few months ago by kicking out at staff in a mischious, attention seeking way. The staff used positive ignoring DS2 as if he got a response he just laughed and tried it again.

I don't know if this will help you but I'm sure someone will be along soon who knows more.

DS2's behaviour has improved dramatically this last few months, he'll be 14 next month so it doesn't last forever.

Caron

[TinkTatoo]

Hi Ali

Sorry I can't really help as we use the removal of a treat which you have already tried. Another thing I do is time out - I send DS to his room where he has to stay for 5 minutes and he knows if he trashes it while he is there I will just walk in and pick up what ever he has thrown on the floor and bin it. It sounds harsh but it works.

I think whatever you decide to do you have to stick to it - I know with DS and DD that one crack and that punishment is not good anymore. It's hard to be a referee all the time

[Guest]

Hi Laura

can sympathise with you re the squabbling, mine are 12, 13 & 14 and it drives me up the wall at times.

I understand exactly what you are saying about threatening to withdraw his latest obsession as an effective incentive - if he is not bothered about losing it then it can be really really hard.

is there anything else that is maybe less obvious that would still be seen as a withdrawal of privilages? hand held console?

positive award ie if he reads how about getting him to work towards a new book or magazine if he can manage to not hit his brother? it will depend on how his obsessions present themselves for the kind of reward you can pitch to him? I find even simple things that can be absorbing like pencils, paper, altair designs or puzzle books can be good "distractors"

I would suggest that you keep on using logic re mention of the police etc - we ended up getting a policeman friend of ours to confirm what we were saying. ( and spell out worst case scenario... )

The other aspect ( & I am sure the worst part of this) is the impact on his little brother and the long term effects of being his brothers constant "target".( although having 3 lads I do realise it is never all one sided lol)

I have often turned the emphasis on rewarding & extra privilages for my aspies younger brothers, ie if they get hit etc then they get extra time on the game or some other activity etc and just stress that he can join in when he can control his actions and curb his frustrations.

I hope this does not sound too patronising, maybe something I have said can give you some ideas - with our aspie lads we sometimes have to be a bit more unconventional to be effective parents.

((((hugs)))

Carol

[ali-s]

Thanks for the replies
LOL Tinktatoo, about binning stuff on his floor, EVERYTHING is on his floor all the time, so not sure that would work
Like the idea about giving extra privileges to younger brother when DS offends, that might work, but youngest son is getting crafty, can just see him 'crying wolf' to get a few mins extra on the playstation will give it a go though , thanks !

[NurseHelen]

My DD has Aspergers.

All our kids respond to different things we know that. However have you thought about getting a trusted other adult in to have a 'chat'. If that has no real effect. Could the community police officer come and have a chat, you could explain the situation and he/she could have a 10 minute chat to be an 'authoritarian voice' saying what you are saying... where as you are just nagging eh!

Just a thought

Helen

[Guest]

A friend has enlisted the help of the local community police officer in a similar situation and it has worked well with her teenage son who has learning difficulties. She is able to call him at times when her DS's behaviour has got out of control and he comes round and has a word. It is not used often as now the threat is enough.
She is a single parent and thinks the lack of a male authority figure is maybe part of the problem with discipline and that has been balanced by this helpful male police officer.
The only thing which worries her is that when her DS is older he may have a fear of the police and this could be a problem if he is ever in a situation where he needs their help.
I hope you find some things which work for you, it is hard to know where to go when the conventional methods are ineffective.

[TinkTatoo]

Seeing Helen's and Lynn's posts reminded me. DS is very well behaved with anyone in "authority" he would never misbehave in school and would be mortified if his teacher or an SNA had to tell him off. He saves all his challenging behavior for home

I can see how getting a figure of authority to speak to your DS might work - it would work with my DS although I know he would be very very upset afterwards so I would only ever do this if the situation was serious.

As Helen says - when mum says it - it's just nagging

[ali-s]

Well I've put Carols' suggestion of extra privileges for youngest son into practise today- DS9 kicked him in the back just before school, so I immediately awarded DS7 an extra 15 mins on the playstation when he got home - oh the horror, the unfairness of it have explained that every time he hurts DS7, DS7 will have extra time - DS9 might not even get a look in going by the reaction this just might work - fingers crossed