DS (18) relationship WWYD

[Princess Ariel]

I’m in a bit of a quandary, DS is 18 next week. He met his gf just over 2 years ago so has been with her since he was 15. She is a lovely girl and I have no issue with her.
Since the 1st lockdown DS has been almost living at her house, I have expressed concerns about this given their young age and the intensity of the relationship but it’s hard to put your foot down with someone that age…especially as her parents seem okay about it.

My oldest DS (22) messaged me a couple of months ago telling me he had seen DS’s gf on tinder (a dating app) they had a break last year and I’m not sure if this is when she may have set this up so I haven’t said anything as I don’t want to cause trouble between them uneccesarily. I’m not sure how tinder even works to be honest. It has played on my mind though!
A couple of weeks ago DS started spending more time at home, which I was happy about, he was seeing more of his friends and going out, doing this someone his age should be doing.

However last night he was supposed to be staying at his gf’s house but came home here at midnight out of the blue, he has woken up this morning and left the house at 8:30am without speaking to any of us. I tried to ring him to find out what was going on but he didn’t answer and he’s messaged me saying he’s gone to her house to speak to her. I’ve asked what’s happened and he’s said she’s just struggling with her mental health.
I understand this but I’m worried about him! He’s not even 18 yet and this just seems so intense! I’m not sure what to do, I still haven’t told him about the tinder thing but I’m worried he’s getting caught up in a relationship that’s just too intense and full on. I have messaged him telling him I’m worried about him and that he needs to look after himself too but I’m not sure what else to do.

[Moleymole]

Goodness, what a worry. It does sound very intense, all you can do is try and get some time with him to have a good heart to heart. It’s scary as your kids grow up and create their own worlds, all we can do is be there when they are ready.

[sam7]

How hard parenting can be sometimes, unfortunately there is nothing you can do to make this go away, you can just keep letting him know you are there for him.

DD at a very similar age met her first boyfriend, they went from 'taking to this lad' at school to full on spending every single seconds together, she no longer met up with any of her friends unless he was there. We liked him but hated the intensity of it. She then started telling me he was very controlling, every time she did something he didn't like he would text her and say 'maybe we should break up' - it was heart breaking to watch, nothing I said was listened to. Then one day he did it again and she asked if she should just say 'ok'. He was on our door step begging her to take him back, she did, but then they split again for good a short while later.

Good luck, I hope it gets sorted for the best one way or other, but don't try and come between them or you could push them further together. Let him work it out for himself

[JessBlu]

Sounds usual to me, young love getting all caught up in it.

Seems like they are having a Rocky patch, I would not get involved, just be there to support him, maybe suggest to go out for a local walk, we have started a Wednesday night walk with my 15 year old in the run up to GCSE, it’s good how it’s not as intense as a sit down chat, she talks about a lot of stuff to us, I didn’t think she was enjoying it but she asked if we are going this week which suggests that she is and uses it as as space to chat.

I met my husband at 16, we were really intense same as you described, had a Rocky patch during uni like you describe above, but very happily married 26 years later and still having frequent Friday kitchen discos.

I would forget you know about tinder, don’t think it will help anyone.

[lfc_sarah]

Chances are, if you told him, he would defend her anyway with how intense the relationship seems to be.

He's clearly infatuated with her.

You just have to be there for him if/when he needs you otherwise he might rebel against anything you do or say just to prove a point x

[Princess Ariel]

Thank you for the replies. He’s messaged me and said they are having a break so she can work on her mental health, he’s collecting his stuff and then coming home.
In regards to the tinder thing, this is why I haven’t mentioned it to him as yet, I don’t want to cause trouble or come between them or look as though that’s what I’m trying to do. Obviously my concern is for my son, I don’t want him being taken advantage of.
It’s so hard as I’m obviously worried that now they are on ‘a break’ she’ll be looking for other people on tinder whilst he’s waiting and hoping they’ll get back together. I’m hoping it’s ran it’s course now to be honest but I feel like she keeps DS hanging until something better comes along!

[°o°-Hannah-°o°]

All sounds normal to me. Our ds is 17 and haas been with his girlfriend for almost 2 years, they are besotted with each other but we have a very good relationship with them both and they come to us for advice, thankfully.
The kids have struggled with their mental health since covid kicked off and they’ve really seen no one else.
It does sound like maybe she’s trying to cool things off a bit but if that’s the case all you can do is let him know you’re there. Obviously I don’t know your son but mine reacts badly to anything negative said about her, so I’d not mention tinder as that’s in the past anyway. Let him work through it and he’ll come to you to talk when he’s ready

[Princess Ariel]

She suffers with anxiety which I know is true. My intention was always to let it run its course naturally and not get involved and that was my first instinct when DS sent me a screenshot of the tinder profile (he thought that perhaps they had split) I still don’t know if the tinder profile is active though and that’s what makes me uneasy as obviously as his parent I don’t want him being used and lied to, especially as it’s his first relationship and so intense.
I’m not going to mention anything, it’s his 18th on Friday and I’m just going to tell him that as they are on a break he should think of himself as single and go out with his friends and have fun and will just encourage him to make the most of his birthday celebration plans.

[duchy]

If they are on a break then both are free to see other people .
Just as you think he should think of himself of single, so can she.
She may very well have forgotten she even set up the Tinder profile , it seems unlikely she ever used it as they saw so much of each other anyway. I’d not mention it.
Young love eh , I’d hate to be that age again , all the drama and angst, exhausting.

[Rac20]

It’s so difficult at this age. My son who was only 15 at the time was very serious with his first girlfriend and she messed him about. Ditching him, getting back together. Rinse and repeat. He cried every night for weeks. Thankfully, he seems to be over her now but she still messages him occasionally and I want to tell her to just leave him alone.
But, I’ve found out that all you can do is be there when they want to talk. Try and also keep him busy. That seemed to help DS.
Even though he was only 15, I truly believed he loved her.